


superdupernatural secret good 21st episode

by rockafansky



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, FOR LEGAL REASONS THIS IS A JOKE, Fix-It, M/M, cant believe i was free of spn and then got queerbaited back in, don't read my sins, middle school me didn't blow my whole college fund at hot topic for this, supernatural secret good 21st episode, this show owes my therapist a handwritten apology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:02:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27648595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockafansky/pseuds/rockafansky
Summary: I rewrote the series finale so it had a little more s p a r k l e. i wish i could go bback in time and tell my middle school self that my taste isn't going to improve
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	superdupernatural secret good 21st episode

"You got anything?" Sam looks up from his computer screen.

Dean blinks at him. "What?"

"Any cases, I mean."

"What the hell are you talking about?" asks Dean. "What about Cas?"

"Uh, what about Cas?" Sam is barely listening to him over the sound of 15+ title sequences making ambient shattering noises in the background.

"What ab-" Dean shakes his head in disbelief. "We've gotta bring him back from Super Mega Ultra Turbo Hell! It's what he'd do for us- hell, he already has. And since when has a major character died without one of us risking it all to bring them back from hell or purgatory or whatever - Like, we're gonna give up _now_? Why? Because he's gay?"

"Cas is gay?"

"Oh man, I totally forgot to mention that part." Dean smacks his forehead. "He professed his love for me before he sacrificed himself."

Sam looks at him for a moment. "That's pretty heavy, dude. Do you want to process that for a second?"

"Absolutely not. Now, what do you say?"

Sam throws up his hands. "Okay, I _guess_ we could save our friend of eleven years instead of fighting some more vampires," he said, clearly a little disappointed that this episode isn't going to evoke the classic season-one ambiance that the writers intended. "But...how?"

"You're forgetting that we have a friend who is literally God," says Dean.

"Oh, yeah!" says Sam. "We do have a friend like that. But Dean, Jack won't even have a beer with us anymore. Last time I tried to Skype him he told me 'Fuck you, I am the rain' and walked away."

"That's bullshit!" cries Dean. "Isn't Jack like, our son or something? I stopped watching after they killed off Charlie in season ten."

"You know what? You're right." says Sam. "They shouldn't have killed off Charlie in season ten."

"Sammy, focus. We need to summon Jack."

The two brothers steel themselves, and silently, they do the cha cha slide. Then they shake, shake, shake, Senora. Shake their body line. Work, work, work, Senora, work it all the time. And it ends with a jump and a little spin. Sam does a standing backflip, you know, just to spice it up. They're almost totally in sync with each other, but they're a little off because they're straight.

"Hey, guys!"

Sam and Dean jump at the sound, still winded from their elaborate summoning dance. Where did that voice come from??

Their new dog trundles into the room carrying a chewed-up ancient text. "What's good?"

The two brothers look down at their furry new friend for a moment, and then look at each other.

"Tell me that dog didn't just talk," says Dean.

"Were you not literally in Scooby Doo?" asks the dog.

"Jack, is that you?" asks Sam.

"It sure is, friends."

Dean crouches down to address the dog, pretending that it's not weird at all. "Is it true that you're all powerful now?"

"It is. I have the power to give you whatever you want. Kind of like a genie, that is also a twink, that is also a dog."

"Can you give me my law degree?" asks Sam, still salty. "Or like, the last fifteen years of my life?"

Dean swats his brother away. "There's something that I forgot to ask you before you fucked off last episode. Can you bring back Cas?"

"Sure, but is that what you _want_?" says Jack, drooling a litlte bit on the floor. "Bringing back Cas means that you have to address what happened between you two before he got sent to turbo hell. You can't just make homophobic facial expressions at your problems and hope they'll go away."

"Oh, shit," says Dean. "I guess you're right. Maybe I better figure out something to say to him."

"Gonna be difficult," Sam says. "He's only ever been emotionally vulnerable with his car."

"Shut up, bitch."

"Jerk."

"Dean, I'm going to give you some godly advice," said Jack. "Suck it up and tell Cas how you feel."

These words make Dean very confused. "How I...feel?"

"Yeah, Dean. About your best friend confessing his love for you and then dying, remember? How do you feel?"

Dean pauses. No one's asked him how he feels about something for almost fifteen seasons.

"I don't know if I can do that..."

"Not a problem!" said Jack, chewing on his own butt. "Because I'm literally God. I'll make it so you can get Cas back, you don't have to deal with the ever-present threat of your own non-heteronormative sexuality, AND I can even bring you back from the dead!"

"Wait, what?"

"I said you're not gonna have to worry about your sexuality." said Jack, sniffing himself.

"No, not that, the other thi--" Suddenly, Dean looks down and sees blood spreading across his flannel shirt. Shockingly, there is a rusty piece of rebar sticking out of his gut. He's not sure when or how that got inside him, but he is in there.

"What the hell?"

He looks around. Sam and his dog son are gone. He's in an old barn, and there are decapitated juggalos lying all around him. somehhow he feels as if this is probably what Dad would have wanted.

"Sammy! Jack! Where are you?!" he yells out in a voice thats five octaves deeper than it was last season.

But they are nowhere to be found. He does, however, see a sexy brunette with gigantic anime bazongas enter the chat.

"Hello, Dean," she says, and every overhead light in the room explodes.

"Wow," Dean says h e t e r o s e x u a l l y. "I guess I really am in heaven now, huh."

"No, you buttass! It's me, Castiel! Jack scooped me out of turbo hell, but my vessel and I had to part ways because of creative differences - so I got a new one I thought you might like!"

 _Oh my god_ , thinks Dean, Cas has BOOOBY? This, of course, changes everything.

The sheer power of Dean's straightness propels him across the room in an instant, and the rusty nail in his lower back isn't even bleeding anymore. This is because the blood is all rushing somewhere..................else .

"Cass, I'm not bleeding to death anymore... You saved me!"

"Yes. Again." Cass launches herself into Dean's arms. she has tiddi. They have the straightest kiss possible without it actually being homophobic.

"Cass, I've thought about this very hard and very often during your time in supertarget and I've decided that I've always....I've always lov.. lsd..vlLvvv..... I've always L..."

"You've always... wanted to fuck me in the back of the Impala?"

"Yes. That."

Cass laughs very very very femininely, and then Dean gets nailed for the second time that day.

* * *

Dean wakes up screaming. Thursday nights have always been like this ever since s15e18.

 _Oh, thank Chuck, it was only a nightmare._ Dying from a tetanus or whatever after beating God in a climactic battle days before. Cas getting a divorce with his vessel and coming back as a sexy lady with an extra letter in her name.

Yes, it was only a nightmare, he assured himself. If it were real life, there would have been a Jim Beaver cameo.

"Dean, are you okay?" Cas sits up beside him, pushing back the covers. Dean is so glad he's there.

"Yeah, it was only a nightmare." Dean smiles at him, like a man who is gay. "You were a chick, and I was almost going to be...emotionally vulnerable with you. Almost."

"You don't have to do that, babe." Cas wraps his arms around Dean as they settle back into bed. "I've put up with your toxic bullshit for eleven seasons and still managed to stay in love with you. Clearly it doesn't really matter that much to me."

"Well, maybe it should." says Dean. "I love you, too, you know that?"

"Yes." Cas smiles, leaning in for the kiss. "Yes, I do."

Then the two of them fuck to the beat of the acoustic version of Carry On My Wayward Son all night long.


End file.
